In My Room

When I first heard the song “In My Room,” written by Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys in the early 1960’s, I knew exactly what he was talking about. As one of eight children, I desperately wanted a private space where I could be alone. When I reached the age of 16, I got my wish: my own room, or at least a corner of a room, that I could call my own.

I recently found this picture (above) of my teenage bedroom, decorated in a way that reflected my interests (and eccentricities) at that time. You’ll notice there are no posters of favorite bands or movie stars, no lava lamps or black light posters, no stereo, peace symbols or love beads, the typical accoutrements of teenagers in 1970 when this photo was taken.

Instead there is a campaign poster for Robert F. Kennedy, (although he’d been taken from us two years earlier). There’s also a poster for the musical “Hair,” an artifact from my first date. Next to the bed, where I could easily reach them, were my beloved books, ranging from literature to poetry to Nancy Drew mysteries, and everyone’s favorite bedside companion, The Sensuous Woman.

What hints do I see in these old photos of the person I was to become? At this age I was obviously still transitioning from child to adult. Witness the juxtaposition of the “7 up” sign on my wall along with the one for “Utica Club” beer. A Chanel perfume poster hints at a longing to be more mature and sophisticated, but the stuffed animals and Chatty Cathy doll on the bed suggest that the girl sleeping there was still clinging to childhood comforts.

What I remember of that time is that despite my many siblings, classmates, and a whole passel of neighborhood kids, I often felt alone. My interests and way of dress were odd (we didn’t have the money to invest in trends) and I was nerdy. I sometimes mixed my West Side slang with “big” words from classic literature, making for clumsy conversation. I indulged in off-color jokes and barbed witticisms, mostly to mask my insecurities. And like all teenagers, I was a bundle of contradictions–funny but sad, eloquent and profane, smart but clueless, daring and fearful.

In my room, I could dream of being the person I wanted to be, not the person I was. I could be an Avenger like Emma Peel, a detective like Honey West, a poet like Emily Dickinson who wrote about the world she imagined from the seclusion of her room. I could work for a senator, attract handsome boys, and travel to the places I’d read about in Life magazine.

I could dream of seeing the “Big Five” on safari in Africa and watch whales breaching in Alaska. I could walk among the giant tortoises in the Galapagos Islands and capture them, with my camera and typewriter, of course. In my room, all things were possible, as they should be when you are young.

This little exercise in nostalgia and self reflection has helped me understand today’s teenagers a little better. Now when I see them glued to their smartphones, I wonder if their favorite electronic device, like my room, serves as their safe haven. A place they can escape to and shut off a sometimes frightening reality. A place to be alone in the midst of others. A place to fire the imagination, and dream.

Come to think of it, many in my peer group today are just as addicted to their phones as their kids and grand kids. Maybe the need for a private safe space never really goes away.

Were you an awkward teenager like me, or were you one of the cool kids? I would love to hear your take on teenage angst. Leave me a comment—I love to read them!

Moxie Gardiner is a writer and gardener who grew up on the West Side of Buffalo, NY. In a previous life she was a journalist, magazine editor, speech writer, and policy wonk. Back in the day she made three solo parachute jumps, flew in an F-15 fighter jet, and crawled through mud pits at the Jungle Operations Training Course in Panama. She now meditates and practices yoga. She is almost ready to publish her first novel, set in Buffalo.